(Manuscript Treatment #45A-35/80)—
Escape from Castle Mud Urn

by Eric Howerton

Page 1

You regain consciousness in Castle Mud Urn with the Sword of Righteous Exception in one hand, and a foot-long ham and Swiss hoagie in the other. Bright torches flank the spooky passage stretching before you, while cobbled stones glitter. The piquant smells of mustard and horseradish spike the air. As you are about to bite into the hoagie, you glimpse the faintest shimmering movement at the far end of the passage. Soon after, you hear a wail.

If you use you Sword of Righteous Exception to attack the shimmering specter, turn to page 47.

If you split the sandwich with the specter and befriend him, hand the specter a napkin and turn to page 14.

Page 47

You hear the twin princesses, Sarax and Bilbar of Mud Urn, screaming from a high turret where the crazed wizard Grahan Ohol Palatrizim threatens to remove their entrails with a Theoretical Hand spell.

If you use your sword to save the princesses and slay the grizzled warlock, turn to page 6.

If you regard the princesses’ screams not as pleas for succoring but as the cries of victory for having already slain the wizard, bring forth some toasting ale and celebrate with the princesses on page 100.

Page 6

The dragon sits on a pile of gold bricks, bracelets, and coins, its forked tongue slipping in and out its crooked jaw like the limb of a man who refuses to be swallowed. The bones of the dragon’s victims litter the edges of the cave. Near a small fire, jerkied flesh hangs in strips from wires strung between poles.

If you use your sword to slay the dragon and give the ingots to the banks, the bracelets to the stylish, and the coins to the aimless, turn to page 14.

If you tell the dragon that a cave is no place to store such wealth, and that he should research investment strategies that would not only allow him to accrue interest on his savings but also free up some much needed cave space, journey to page 100.

If you give the dragon the Enchanted Folio of Delivery Menus to save him the trouble of snatching meals off the town streets, flip to page 100. (“They accept gold,” you assure him.)

If you use the remaining half of your ham sandwich to befriend the dragon and convince him to donate a small portion of his wealth to charity, turn to page 14.

Page 14

A pack of carnivorous pig oxen has you cornered against the stone monument dedicated to Mud Urn’s goblin founders. Attempting to scale the monument, you find its face too sheer, and with each pathetic scramble you slide closer to the snapping jaws of the carnivorous pig-oxen. The beasts are many in number and growing restless. Each one could devour a horse in a single bite and still have room to chew the fat.

If you use your sword of Righteous Exception to slay the herd of endangered pig oxen and roast their carcasses for future ham hoagies, turn to page 1 forever.

If you call Animal Control so that the animals can be returned to the refuge whence they escaped, report to page 100.

If you understand the pig oxen are only avenging the relatives you have eaten and fed to dragons and haunting specters, surrender yourself to their gnashing incisors and turn to page 0.

Page 100

[Missing from the archives]