Employees Receiving or Discovering a Bomb Threat Should

by John Matthew Fox

1. If a bomb threat is received by telephone, ask: when is the bomb going to explode? Where is the bomb? What kind of bomb is it? If I were to diffuse this bomb, which wire should I cut? Was the creator of the bomb sneaky enough to use non-red/blue color wires such as teal and sienna in order to confuse would-be diffusers? What does the bomb look like? Did you care about the aesthetics of the bomb when you were making it or only its pragmatics? Could you tell me the blast radius in both yards and meters? If not, does that mean you attended a sub-standard school? Why did you place the bomb? Did it have anything to do with your issues with your father? Did he train you to repress your feelings until so much pressure built up that you felt you had to plant a bomb? Is it for religious purposes? If so, what religion? And what branch of that religion? And what sect? And what sub-sect? Is this the type of religion that promises you virgins in heaven or a mansion or simply the goodwill of God? If not virgins or a mansion, are you sure the reward is ample compensation for your effort?

2. Record the following information for the Sheriff’s Department: Time of call as determined by the angle of light coming into your cubicle; exact words spoken by the caller, including any swearing, especially creative swearing such as fucknut and cuntswipe, that might tip police off to the educational level and verbal ingenuity of the perpetrator; sex and approximate age of the caller, which includes not only male and female but transgender and hermaphrodites, as well as men who think they are tough for their age and women who want to be much younger; speech patterns, including heavy breathing which might signal a sexual motivation for bomb planting, much like the sexual release that pyromaniacs get when setting fires; any distinguishable accents, which we almost didn’t include because it makes this pamphlet sound racist; or other identifiable behavior of the caller, such as the sound of him or her picking her nose, assembling another bomb; and background noises, such as playing a violent first-person video game (please try to identify the video game) or baking moussaka.

3. If a bomb threat is received by mail: Do not handle the envelope or package. Also, thank the bomb maker for clearly marking the envelope or package with a Courier 36-point font spelling out “BOMB,” which let you know not to handle the envelope or package. If you have to handle the envelope or package, make sure to use tongs. Also, put on the jackets of everyone in the office to insulate you against the blast. Better yet, pick the guy whom everyone dislikes in the office to handle the bomb. His name will probably be Bill or Tommy. He will do half the work of everyone else but be unfireable because of his distant relation to the boss. Tell him he’s being brave, which is precisely the type of flattery that Bills or Tommys prefer to believe about themselves. Next, evacuate all persons from the immediate area. This only means you should hide around the nearest corner and watch Bill or Tommy as he handles the potential bomb with tongs. Because after all, if something goes wrong, you definitely want to see it. Lastly, stop any one from entering the area where the envelope is located, except for co-workers you could do without.