The Age of OrdinaryMegan Rine lives in Seattle. She has seen Sleepless in Seattle four times—two of which made her fall asleep. Megan Rine is 5'4", 196lbs, 24 years old and still a virgin. She works at Home Depot. It is odd how acts of pettiness can be so powerful. She thinks often of the time, at work, a customer put a pipe in his pants to look like an erection. His buddies laughed so hard, made so much noise, the manager, who was also sort of laughing under his breath, had to escort them out. The manager looked at her and said, "You are a really nice person, I'm sorry." When her shift ended, Megan Rine walked outside and it was raining—big fat droplets, the kind that fall on your hair and bleed inward. Megan got into her car and cried. She imagined how she might look from outside the car, and was glad it was raining, so that the tears on her face might be mistaken for rain on the windshield. Tom Hanks feels self-conscious whenever he visits Seattle. It amazes him the number of times people casually approach him and comment about how he's 'sleepless in Seattle.' It dumbfounds him how clever people think they are. Tom cannot relate to these ordinary people. When asked for an autograph, he guiltily gives them one. "Have you seen my early work?" Tom asks. "Big was a complex film." Megan Rine will never be played by Meg Ryan in a movie, because Megan Rine is obscure and not notable in any regard; though she does have fantasies about kidnapping Ann Coulter. A movie will be made and Meg Ryan will play Megan Rine. The actress will wear a fat suit and special effects will handle the rest. A studio executive, in a fit of inspiration, will cast Tom Hanks as Ann Coulter. Tom Hanks will take estrogen pills and special effects will handle the rest. In order to be forever remembered as the heavy virgin with only one nostril who kidnapped Ann Coulter and taught her kindness, Megan Rine will need to buy a large sack, but she cannot leave her apartment and face this vapid world. "I'm too depressed to save this world," Megan says to her herself. She runs the back of her hand slowly along the wall and realizes inside and outside are the same thing. Ann Coulter will continue to prosper by angering others. Meg Ryan will continue to get expensive haircuts. Tom Hanks will continue to feel a little self-conscious. The mimesis of life on screen will go on and on. Because Megan Rine is technically still crying, she sniffs two times, which is worth one.  |
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