The Castle

by Jimmy Chen


The Safeway on 8th and Cabrillo was torn down.  The perimeter was covered by wooden planks.  People became excited about what would be built.  They were hoping for a bowling alley.  One month later, the planks were removed.  People saw a sign that read:  GRAND OPENING SAFEWAY.  They were very upset that a Safeway was torn down to be rebuilt.
      George Wang and Wang Fun were often thought to be the same person because of their names and they were both Chinese.  George Wang was born in Fremont, California.  Wang Fun was born in Quangzhou, China.  They were best friends and liked to ride their skateboards together.  When people saw them next to each other, they said, "Holy shit!"
      George and Wang come up with this idea:  to dig a moat around the Safeway so that nobody can enter.
      "Are you guys being political?" a girl in a mini skirt says.
      "No, we like digging things," George and Wang answer.
      The moat is built in four days.  Every television show in the nation wants them to be on their show.  Barbara Walters on The View says, "The Chinese.  Even their children are diligent.  The moat is twenty feet deep and keeps the customers out.  Absolutely lovely."  George and Wang appear on Good Morning America, Regis and Kelly Live, and many others.  Everybody loves George and Wang.  The only people who have a problem with George and Wang are Safeway, the Aryan Nation, and Andy Rooney.
      Andy Rooney looks into the camera, "George Wang Fun Chun Yun Fat.  I'm not enthralled.  What is it about moats anyways?  You can't bathe in them.  You can't farm catfish.  And who are these Chinese and why are there so many of them?  And where are they?  I surely don't see them walking around our offices.  I think, in my fifty plus years here, I've seen no more than five Chinamen in the elevators.  Half the time they aren't even Chinese, but Hawaiian.  As for these Macadamia nuts, I have a problem with their contour.  They roll."
      Andy Rooney will die of an aneurism.  At the Academy Awards, at the part where they show the dead people on the screen and the alive people need to be silent, Andy Rooney will be the last person shown and the last words you read will be:  Andy Rooney.  
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