Severed


He was a jerk.  You had every right.  Every right!
      Yes, of course I'll help.  Come in and we'll get you cleaned up. 
      No, no.  No police.  Just you and me, Maggie and Mary, talking it out.  Just like in high school.  But listen, I need you to do this for me.  I need you to calm down and listen to me, okay?
      Of course you can sit down.  Not on the couch, though, please.  I just had it steamed.  And not there, either.  The upholstery is a sponge.  I swear that stains have a gravitational pull to that chair.  God, this one time, someone spilled cocktail sauce on—
      That was you?  Oh my God, you're right!  I totally forgot.  No, really, it was no big deal.  I mean, it was a big deal, but no big deal, you know?  It came out, or most of it at least.  It wasn't easy, but it came out.
      Now Maggie, you know that's not what I meant!  Mi casa, su casa.  Sit anywhere you want.  Just let me get some newspapers.  Or better yet, why don't we go to the back porch?  Have you seen my new metal patio furniture?
      I know.  Isn't the lawn terrible?  That Mexican yardboy I hired didn't show up this week.  Such lazy, thieving people.  Why we allow them—
      You're kidding me.  Your grandfather?  You never told me that.  We've been friends this long and you never told me?
      Well, how was I to know?  A last name is a last name to me, and I just thought you tanned easily.  How embarrassing.  I don't know what to say.  Olé, I guess. 
      Do you want some iced sun-tea, maybe with a splash of vodka?  Here, taste mine.  I think you'll like it.  Indiana Iced Teas, I call them.  I'm already on my second.
      Is it really only eleven a.m.?  Well, no time like the present, right?
      Oh, calm down, Maggie.  No need to cry.  We'll make it through this.  I'm sure he deserved it.  That wandering eye of his made Sammy Davis, Jr., look normal.  I just need you to tell me one thing:  What you did you do with the knife?
      Of course it was self-defense.  No jury in the world would question it, or no jury of women.  He was sleeping around.
      How do I know he was sleeping around?  I know because . . . what do you mean, how do I know?
      Well, no, you never actually told me he was sleeping around, but it was obvious, wasn't it?  I mean, you could just tell, right?
      Are you sure you don't want an Indiana Iced Tea?  I'm going to freshen this one and then we'll get you cleaned up. 
      You know, I have to say that real blood doesn't look anything like the blood in the movies.  In the movies, it's always so red, so bright.  But I'm sure it stains the same.
      And now that I'm thinking, maybe we should just pull out the garden hose instead of having you traipse over my cream-colored carpet to the—
      Oh, come on, Maggie!  Relax.  Can't you take a joke?  Of course you can use my shower.  Mi casa, su casa, right?
      So tell me, then:  What did you do with the knife?
      Is it important?  Well, I would think that the police will be—
      From me?  Please!  Not a word from these lips.  Yes, yes, I promise.  I promise!  Maggie and Mary, remember?  Friends for life.  Hey, if you want, I'll say you were with me all morning.  I'll be your alibi. 
      Or no, I can't be.  I was out this morning.  People probably saw me.
      But don't worry, we'll figure it out.  We'll get you cleaned up and figure out our next step.  I've some clothes you can wear, though they'll probably be pretty snug on you. 
      That's not what I'm saying!  Maggie, you know I'm not saying that!  We just have different body types.  You're more . . . voluptuous, that's all. 
      Oh, stop crying, Maggie.  He got what he deserved.  You had every right.  You trusted him.  He was your husband.
      How long have you two been married, three years?  I'm sure the jury will go light, no more than—
      From me?  Please!  Not a word from these lips.  Friends for life, remem—
      This morning?  I already told you that.  I was here all morning, at home.  Except, you know, for when I wasn't.  Except for when I was out.
      Last night?  Well, I was—why do you want to know?
      Maggie, come on now.  Sit down.  Relax.  Why are you so agitated?  I'm here to—
      He said that?  You're kidding me, right?  Well, that's just—listen, he probably just said that so you'd stop stabbing him.  I mean, it's—I'm you're best friend, right?  I'm here to help.  You just have to listen to me. 
      Maggie, what are you doing with that knife?  
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