At That Leftover Crack Concert Two Years Before I Met You
I think if it would be fun if I were the saddest thing in the world.
I think people would band together to make me an award. At the ceremony it would be very touching. They would carry me and I would crowd surf them even if I was something that doesn't move like a shoe or an ant that died. Because I think the saddest thing in the world might be a dead ant. They work so hard and I think most of them die from exhaustion. They never sleep or eat or drink water. I told you one time that I wanted a tattoo on my arm of ants underwater and a squid. You said that ants underwater must be the saddest thing in the world. You ignored the squid, but I didn't disagree about that other thing you said. It was on the Internet where this happened and not in real life and I think I just stared at the screen and felt a little said, but mostly just excited and happy.
I wonder, would I be happy in a fascist society? Because fascism doesn't let you complain about the government then I guess it encourages you to complain about interpersonal issues, personal issues, and other non-governmental things like the weather and death.
Like, why does there have to be death? I always complain about how bad I feel and lonely. I don't think a fascist would shoot me with a rifle for complaining in one-page poems about feeling depressed and unloved because that just takes the blame away from the government and gives it to me in the form of a Microsoft Word document. Fascist societies are strange but I think they can be fun. I don't believe I would make a good dictator because if I stood on a balcony people would want me to give them an unambiguous, ruthless, and deadly speech. But I would probably just want to jump off the balcony if it wasn't too high so that I could crowd surf my thousands or millions of people.
I think I would panic and drive into a building if I was in Manhattan and a fire truck had its sirens on. In Florida when I'm driving I always use ambulances as an excuse to make illegal U-turns and to drive over medians and do other fun and provocative things with my car. One time an ambulance was coming and I made a U-turn and saw a tree and calmly drove there and knocked it down and then saw a shrub and went to that and ran it over like a lawn mower. I felt patriotic because I was trying harder than everyone else to get out of the way of the ambulance.
Just kidding. I would never knock down a tree because I am afraid the car might explode, like they do in movies. I know that movies are fake but sometimes it feels like I am inside of them. I'm a bad actor in real life and always out-of-character but in a movie that would make me a good actor because I would seem authentically bad at social situations. One time that I didn't think at all that I was inside of a movie was when I was at a Leftover Crack concert in Brooklyn. The guitarist was pissed because there were four eight-year olds on stage and they kept running off and stage diving and it was obvious they weren't listening to the music at all. The guitarist had songs about shooting heroin in alleyways and the joys of poverty. He grew up in India. I felt really bad for him because he couldn't enjoy himself just because of eight-year olds. I thought, if he can't enjoy himself because of four small children, then he must feel depressed and agitated all the time in his normal life, right? I asked myself because I wasn't sure. But really I was. I knew it was true. He would always be a sad and grumpy man.
But I still felt uncertain, as if someone was lying to me all the time no matter what and it was impossible to ever feel like the most okay thing in the world.
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