The Administration

by Ben Butler


The American people woke up and found Al Gore in the shower.  Taken aback, they just stared as he bore his best smile and said "good morning."
      "Al Gore!" came the exclaim.  "We thought you were history!"
      "Now, what kind of nonsense is that y'all are talking?" said Al Gore.  "Here I am, right as rain, fresh as a gypsy daisy, the President of the United States."
      "But we thought the other fella . . ." the American people began.
      Al Gore laughed.  "What nonsense.  Baloney, everybody."
      "It must have all been a dream," the American people said.  "God, you won't believe the nightmare we just had."
      "Oh yes," said President Gore.  "Nightmares can be very powerful.  They can make you feel very afraid.  But in the end, it is just a dream.  I can assure you of that."
      "Oh, we're so happy to see you fit and well, Mr. President," the American people said.
      President Gore grabbed a towel from a nearby rack and wrapped himself in it.  He looked very presidential standing in his towel.
      "You must never lose your faith in the American people," he told the American people.  "They are a proud, spirited, independent bunch, but in the end they would never do something so stupid as to elect that fool their president.  Don't worry."
      "There was a terrible war, and poverty at epic levels, and civil liberties were voted unconstitutional, as were civil rights, and we felt like we were all living in a goddam theocracy!"
      "Children, people, please!" said President Gore.  "God would never suffer a fool to be president of this great nation."
      "We're so relieved," said the American people.
      "Now, I don't want to alarm anyone, but I am going to take this towel off," said President Gore.  "I need to put on my presidential three piece now."
      "We won't look," said the American people.  "It's none of our business what's going on inside that towel."
      President Gore removed the towel and moved toward his bureau to retrieve his suit pieces.
      "All right, you can look now," he said after a minute.
      "You look just like you did on the cover of Rolling Stone," said the American people.
      "Oh gee, is it that obvious?" said President Gore.  "Tipper is always telling me I need to wear a fuller cut."
      "What shoulders!" remarked some of the American people.
      "He will protect us from harm," said the others.
      "There are plenty of people out there who would like to harm the American people," said President Al Gore.  "But don't worry.  If they come after us, I will respond swiftly and decisively to any threat they bring."
      "That's wonderful," said the American people.  "Can you imagine what would happen in a crisis of George W.  Bush had been elected president?"
      "Well, I for one shudder to think," said First Lady Tipper Gore, walking into the room.  She was wearing a white terrycloth robe monogrammed on the upper right hand side.
      "Hello Darling," said President Gore, grabbing the First Lady and kissing her passionately.  "I was just talking with the American people.  They seem to have just woken up from a long and brutal nightmare."
      "That's awful, Al," said Tipper.  "But this probably wouldn't have happened if they weren't listening to songs with all those violent lyrics."
      "Apparently they were listening to too much Notorious GWB," laughed the president.
      The American people laughed too.  It was impossible not to chuckle at some point during a conversation with President Gore.  Despite his bad jokes.
      "You make us laugh," said the American people.
      "I believe it was de Tocqueville who said 'laughter is what makes the American nation greater than all the monarchies and republics of Europe,'" said President Gore.
      "No, it was Lloyd George," the American people corrected.
      "My mistake," said President Gore.  "I have been known to make them from time to time.  But it was an honest mistake, and it is here that I draw the distinction between myself and my opponent from the last election, Governor Bush."
      "Oh come on, Al," said Tipper.  "You can't make a mistake on purpose."
      "Well," the American people said.  "We think we are satisfied that the whole George Bush thing was just a bad dream.  It is so great to see the two of you, Mr. and Mrs. President Gore, standing here in your underwear."
      "Think nothing of it," said President Gore.  "It is my pleasure.  Vice-President Lieberman and I have America's best interests at heart, and together we have formed a strong partnership for a better, brighter America."
      "That is reassuring, Mr. President," said the American people.  "But sometimes you sound like a sound bite.  Now go make love to your wife."
      "Tipper," said the President.  "Shall we ask the people to excuse us so that we might give them what they want?"  
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