On Why I Won't Vote for John Kerry or Why John Kerry Looks Like a Pencil or Why John Edwards Just Wants Pussy

by Shane Jones


Well, it's been made official by symbolism.  Patriotic balloons fell from the rafters, John Mellancamp placed one foot in the career grave, dozens of thumbs up and fist pumps, and John Kerry arrived by boat with as much class and sophistication as Dolly Parton entering a chicken wing eating contest.  It's party time at the Democratic Convention!
      For several hours each day I watched the convention from my bed because I was fucking scared.  I was actually hoping for some clarity on important issues, maybe some definition on exactly who John Kerry is and boy-toy John Edwards.  Issues like abortion, gay rights, the war in Iraq, does KFC really abuse chickens?  Instead I learned that Kerry has a nice collection of purple hearts and Edwards was once a trial lawyer.  Well, ok.  It was the closing of the convention when I witnessed a nauseating close up of Kerry's elongated face that lasted well over two minutes.  "My fellow Americans . . .  We will not give up . . .  I have four purple hearts . . . four . . . four . . ."  A creepy, I-just-shit-my-pants-and-it-feels-good smile stretched across Kerry's face as the crowd cheered.  My cold body began shaking under the bed sheets.  I pulled the comforter to my lips, my eyes widened to small saucers, and I whispered, "I see Democrats."  The camera zoomed out and Kerry continued to pump his fist wildly into the air.  I'll say it again: Par-tay!
      Yes, I know about the opposing evil soul-ravishing Republicans.  Bush is actually a machine from the future to destroy the human race, Cheney one of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse, and if you remove Rumsfeld's flesh it's nothing more than a flaming, laughing, skull.  So please don't sucker punch me with, "The most important thing is to vote Bush out."  I want Bush out just as much as the next feed-a-stray-cat, save-a-tree, living-in-a-shitty-apartment liberal out there.  But the most important thing is not voting Bush out. 
      We all remember the Sunshine State nightmare of Al Gore vs. Dubya.  And it's people like me who "threw their vote away" on Nader and cost Gore the election.  I'd like to apologize.  Because of me we now live in an Orwellian totalitarian state of conformity and personal intrusion.  But the truth is, Gore couldn't have stopped the attacks of 9/11 any more than Bush could have.  And do you really think Al Gore would have been any better as President?  I'm not sure.
      "I don't like Bush, so I'll vote for Kerry to get him in office."  This is the line I keep hearing.  But what's important is learning the issues, educating yourself, reading everything you can on the candidates, and then making your decision.  Be an independent person with a fucking mind.  This is what I learned from watching the Democratic Convention.
      Republicans, Democrats, Greens, Independents, Libertarians, The Natural Law Party, The Constitution Party—the list goes on like the food selection at a casino buffet.  Many of these parties have their own websites that prove immensely helpful in educating people.  Some sites even have a quiz you can take to see which candidate's stance you most closely identify with (Issues 2000, Vote by Issue).  Not too shabby.  If you're voting "I don't like Bush so I'll vote Kerry," or "I don't like Kerry so I'll vote Bush," stop.  Brew a pot of coffee, or grab a six pack, or a joint, or all of the above and do some research to help you decide which candidate best represents your views.  Then go back to downloading Bang Bus and Cum Fiesta for the remainder of your sad existence.
      With intense media bombardment from "Rock the Vote!" to "Declare Yourself!" to "Vote or Die!" I can think of little that's more terrifying than using the humble honor to vote in the "Don't like this guy, I'll vote for this other guy" fashion without educating yourself.  That is throwing your vote away. 
      Yes, I know, we have an outdated electoral college, two corporate cock-sucking parties, and Wolf Blitzer telling you the news, it can be hard to get motivated to vote.  But if you're like so many people who believe your vote doesn't matter, then why not vote what you want to vote?  Remember, not voting for Bush or Kerry isn't throwing your vote away.  If Nader, or Cobb, or that guy who looks like a drunken Smurf supports your views, then that's what's important and vote that way.  Our forefathers would be proud.  Go man go!
      Learn the issues, listen to the candidates, do some research, and if you still come out voting for Kerry this fall, fine.  At least it's an educated vote, a vote that truly supports your political views on key issues.  Of course it's also a vote I may disagree with, and this is also important.  Debate!  Argue!  Key a Republicans Lincoln Navigator!  Give a Democrat a dress!  As for myself, I'm probably going to vote Green.  So excuse me while I go feed some stray cats.  
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